FAT GIRL, SKINNY BODY

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a toxic relationship with food; more unhealthy than any cheating boyfriend or back-stabbing bestie could ever be. I have body issues that have plagued me since I went on my first diet at 9 years old, and unless I’m 115 lbs, a size 0-2, and have had a whopping dose of vitamin D, I hate looking at myself in the mirror.

For as long as I can remember, people have also felt pretty comfortable commenting about my appearance, as though it’s the most important thing about me. I guess because I look a certain way, it’s ok to assume that I’m comfortable in my skin. They don’t realize I weigh myself 20 times a day. They don’t know I have a tape measure in my makeup bag to obsessively wrap around my thighs, my waist, and my hips. They think that it’s ok to tell me to “eat a cheeseburger or something” when I’m looking very thin, or that “you’ve put on a few pounds” when I have been slipping. They don’t know the torment I’ve had since I was a chubby little girl, with squeezable cheeks, that was developing anorexia when she wasn’t even a teenager yet.

I think about every single bite of food that enters my mouth. EVERY. SINGLE. BITE. Do you know what that’s like? I have literally counted every calorie I’ve ever eaten. But I have had to fight past the insensitive comments about how I’m “one of the lucky ones” after I lost all of my pregnancy weight. Twice. I gained over 90 lbs for EACH of my pregnancies as I abandoned any thoughts about my own body and focused on doing my best to bring two healthy babes into the world. I had to workout at all hours of the night while running a business and taking care of these 2 little ones, just to fit back into my clothes. I had to talk myself out of starving myself daily, and still do…because that’s what recovering anorexics do, for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t just go away. You don’t just get over it. You are never “healed”…you’re healing. I don’t feel like “one of the lucky ones”. And calling me that discounts the discipline it took to lose that weight, without falling into a dark place. But it’s ok, because I look a certain way.

My body doesn’t want to be skinny. It fights me every day. If I gave my body a break, and ate a healthy caloric intake , I would easily fall into a much larger frame. But for some reason, I have always wanted to wear whatever I want, more than I wanted to eat whatever I want. And so I fight my body. And so, people think, because I look a certain way, they can comment on my appearance. Because I’m lucky. I would go so long without eating that I would dream of how food felt while chewing through it. I would go to bed at night praying that I would just lose two more pounds. I could slip a size zero on and off without undoing the zipper, and all I could see in the mirror was a fat girl.

We hate that word – “fat”. But why is it acceptable to say “skinny” and so taboo to say FAT? Even as I write the word, I cringe. “skinny jeans” “skinny girl brand” “skinny drinks”, but we whisper the word “fat” like it’s a secret. And why is it so acceptable to make jokes about someone being too skinny, but insensitive to call someone fat? And why do we think that if someone is attractive, we can be as mean or forward as we choose when we talk about their appearance?

I’m exhausted. My body is tired of trying to please me, and try to make people happy enough to keep their comments about how they think I look best to themselves. “You look too skinny”, “I like you with some meat on your bones”, “You’re perfect at this size, don’t gain or lose a single pound”, “You could lose 5 lbs, but no more than that”, like seriously wtf? I think about every comment that has come out of the mouths of family, friends, and strangers, and wonder, for real, WTF? I’m TIRED. You shouldn’t have a vocal opinion about my body. It’s hard enough, as women, to deal with our own opinions of our bodies. It’s hard enough to love and accept what we see in the mirror without factoring in the careless comments of others. I write this as I sit in my bed, knowing that I’m getting out of it only to walk to the scale and see what the morning weight will be. And then I will walk to my makeup bag, get out my tape measure, and see how many almonds I can treat myself with today.

I guess I’m one of the lucky ones.

“I would go so long without eating that I would dream of what food felt like while chewing through it”

BUT DID I DIE?

I’m sitting here, watching my kids Track & Field practice, wondering when the world became a place where your health and parenting decisions were being made by your government. Since the day I became a mother, I have always made it my top priority. I have been there for every event, I have wiped every tear, done the hours of homework, and loved my girls with my entire heart. I never thought I’d ever have to make the decision to either risk my health, possibly my life, or be a bad mom. But when our Canadian government made it mandatory to get the Covid vaccine, that is exactly what happened.

Months ago, when the vaccine was developed, there were several fatalities, many caused by blood clots. Not that it’s anyone’s business – except apparently every restaurant, arena and gym I like to frequent – but I have numerous blood issues, mostly effecting my red blood cells, and my heart is constantly trying to compensate for the oxygen deficiencies. It is starting to cause permanent heart damage. One of my medications happens to cause severe blood clots. And so, my doctor and I discussed the vaccine, and I was advised against it, as we didn’t want to risk any complications, especially a fatality.

Then, a few short months later, I was suddenly in a position where I couldn’t accompany my own children to their practices, or recitals, or even use my own gym pass. So, I made an appointment with my doctor to get my exemption, to be able to go on about my life, as a mother and as an individual.

That is the day I was forced to make a choice. I was informed that I could no longer get the exemption. She told me the only medical exemptions being honored were for those who had severe reactions to the FIRST vaccine. But wait…what???? The very doctor who had told me it could harm me, possibly KILL me, was now telling me that “as long as you make sure you get Pfizer, NOTHING ELSE, you should be ok.” Ummmm…WHAT? “I can’t tell you what to do, I can only give you information, as it is your body, and your choice.” Really? My doctor can’t tell me what to do with my body, but apparently, the Canadian government can.

So, as an owner of a small business, not only did I have to sacrifice my financial security for a year and a half to protect the health of strangers, putting my own family’s future in limbo, but now, I was expected to put my OWN health, and possibly my LIFE at risk, to protect those same STRANGERS??? Does this make sense to you? Is this right? Does this sound like a “small sacrifice” that you’re asking me, and countless others with legitimate health concerns, to make?

Every day leading up to this decision I would hear people complaining about “stupid anti-vaxxers” and how selfish they are and “why won’t they just get the vaccine already?!” and how the pro-vaxxers hope Anti-Vaxxers get Covid and aren’t allowed to get health care. Inside I would be screaming, wanting to say, maybe they are scared? I would be wondering how much is going to be taken away from me before it is enough? What was this pandemic ultimately going to cost me? Do I not have the right to say no to a vaccine because I’m terrified of it? Why are people assuming that everyone who isn’t getting COVID vaccinated doesn’t believe in science, or even vaccines for that matter? It was science that advised ME to stay away from the vaccine in the first place, but now science was telling ME “I should be ok”, but “I can’t tell you what to do, as it is your body, and your choice.”

As I watched all my freedoms start to disappear, and my children’s teary eyes when we would say they might not be able to play hockey, or soccer, or run track this winter…I might not be able to watch them in their recitals…I had to have some very real conversations with my family about what to do. I was no longer able to be the mom I wanted to be, and even after having to put strangers before myself and my own children for 18 months, I had to put myself last once again.

Although my kids knew about my health issues, and said they understood if they couldn’t do the things they love this year, they said it with tears running down their cheeks, and broken hearts. I’ve sworn to myself to MEND their broken hearts, not to cause them. I can’t even tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep trying to come to terms with it.

But I couldn’t. So, against the requests of my (fully vaccinated) family, I gave in, and chose to take the Pfizer vaccine, since I “should be ok”. The amount of anxiety I had leading up to that day is something a person should never feel. Telling the doctor holding the needle that I’m terrified, while my mom sits next to me, wondering if her daughter is going to be ok, is a memory I wish I could forget. Seeing the indifference in that person’s face as I could feel my entire insides shaking…I’ll never forgive the leaders of this country for putting me in that position.

In the middle of that night, my daughter came into my room and shook me. I looked at her worried little face and asked her if she was ok, and she threw her arms around me with relief. “I’m making sure you’re still alive Mommy.”

If ever you find yourself judging others for not making the decision you want them to make, or you think they SHOULD make, maybe just remind yourself that not everyone is experiencing this the same way you are. Would you be willing to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of dollars, possibly losing your business, in order to protect strangers? Would you be willing to risk your life, leaving your own little children behind, to protect those same strangers? I’ve lost a lot during this pandemic; obviously financially, my mental and physical health, the security of being in control of my life and the person I want to be – the PARENT I want to be – but the biggest loss, by far, was the faith I used to have in humanity.

Did I die? Physically, no. But a piece of me definitely did. Congratulations to the arrogant “leaders” that run this country…you managed to loop everyone into two categories: those who are vaccinated, and therefore apparently CARE about others, and those who are selfish ANTI-vaxxers, who are greedily keeping this pandemic going, ultimately delaying life from returning to normal. You have managed to draw attention away from the disastrous mistakes you’ve made in mishandling this pandemic, by turning our country into a bunch of blind idiots, name-calling people who don’t see things the same way they do, not caring that maybe, just MAYBE, there is a deeper reason for the lack of trust.

I didn’t die. But what if I had? Well, I guess that is the sacrifice we are now all obligated to make…and perhaps as a little parting gift, I finally would’ve been granted a medical exemption.

In the middle of the night, my daughter came into my room and shook me. I looked at her worried little face and asked her if she was ok, and she threw her arms around me with relief. “I’m making sure you’re still alive, Mommy.”

THE POWER OF NEGATIVITY

Every day I turn on my social media to be greeted by many things: drama, seemingly perfect lives, and more recently, an over-whelming amount of empty positivity. I am a huge believer of the power of the mind, manifestation, and positive thinking. What I’m NOT a believer in, are thoughtless quotes, accompanied by meaningless selfies, telling everyone to keep their complaints to themselves. Telling people that negativity doesn’t solve anything, that complaining is useless, and that staying positive will solve all…this is bullshit.

I’m normally pretty positive on a day-to-day. I try to live my life as honestly and kindly as I can, and usually I do well with it, but sometimes I struggle. What I’ve learned over the last year or so, is that it’s the negative that changes things. Maybe if the friends that I’ve lost to suicide in the past year had had the courage to speak their truth publicly, someone could’ve helped. Instead, we all saw the best of them: the best of their lives, the perfect picture of family, vacations, love…everything that we have all been conditioned to put out there on social media. If only they had the strength to show us their vulnerability, someone could’ve said the one thing they needed to hear to get them through the rough spot. But humans aren’t built that way anymore. We are built to give up on people who complain too much, who have too much going on, who ARE too much. So we flood our social media with ideals, rather than reality. We are all guilty.

Isn’t negativity what inspires CHANGE? If you see something wrong, should you not speak out? We are living through a NIGHTMARE right now, and if all you can offer up to the doctors and nurses who are watching people die every day while working overtime, or to the entrepreneurs who are losing their businesses and mental health in lop-sided lockdowns, or those suffering through non-stop domestic abuse, is some shitty, empty, “stay positive” quote, you are not a life coach…and you may just be fueling division and adding to the frustration.

If Rosa Parks had simply gotten up from her seat, where would we be? If everyone had stayed silent about George Floyd’s death, would we have the awareness that we are finally beginning to have? The answer is no.

Yes, positive thinking is powerful. It inspires confidence, personal growth, and healing. But I’m tired of negativity getting all the terrible reviews. You need both. Like anything in life, it’s a balancing act. Getting those thoughts out of your system is necessary, especially in a time where we are being told we are on the same team, while being manipulatively driven apart.

Change won’t happen if you just accept your surroundings and make the best of it. Change will only happen if you allow yourself to feel the discomfort, find the confidence to take a stand, and MAKE it happen.

Expressing frustrations doesn’t make you ungrateful for the positive things in your life. It means you want better. It means you can spot something wrong, and you’re trying to fix it.

I am unapologetically passionate. About everything. My family, my business, my relationships, my LIFE…and my country. Something is wrong, and we should ALL be trying to fix it.

“Change won’t happen if you just accept your surroundings and make the best of it. Change will only happen if you allow yourself to feel the discomfort, find the confidence to take a stand, and MAKE it happen.”

GRATEFUL DESPITE YOU

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” – William Arthur Ward

As I sit here, staring at my screen, reflecting on this past year, I contemplate which direction to take. Do I scream and curse at everything 2020 has taken from me, or do I really look at what it has given me?

It’s easy to focus on the negative: the financial losses, the lack of human contact, the loss of affection, freedom, and certainty…so I’m choosing the more difficult option. Despite everything we have lost this year, I’m counting my blessings. I woke up this morning in a New Year, safe in bed with my little family, in our home. My little business is still running (despite everything happening around us), and I have no threat of losing my livelihood. I can pick up the phone and call my siblings, parents, and nephews. I am grateful despite you, 2020.

And despite you, as well, Leaders of our country. See, as I’m reflecting on my year, forced to stare at things beyond my control, things that cost my business revenue that can never be made back, cost us time with friends and family, caused excess cases of loneliness, depression, and anxiety, all through decisions that were NOT MINE, I realize those decisions were made by someone.

So, as I reflect, I’m hoping those decision-makers, OUR LEADERS, are doing the same. I’m hoping that they have enough of a conscience to really think about what they have cost our country. I hope they think about the millions of dollars they cost small businesses when they locked them all down for months at a time, and the BILLIONS of dollars they made for huge corporations when they simultaneously kept them open. I hope they remind themselves of all the revenue lost in restaurants when they took away half their tables, while I felt people’s breath on my neck at Costco. I hope they think of every unused creamer I sanitized, while someone touched every apple in the produce section at Walmart before deciding on one. I hope they think of the 80 yr-old woman who passed away alone, without seeing her grandchildren one last time, while 50 people wait in line at the LCBO. I hope they think of the 55 yr-old business owner who lost everything in multiple lockdowns, claimed bankruptcy, and took their own life in a depression, all while you, our leaders, collected your full salaries. I hope you think of the strain on the relationships, the anxiety, the drug addictions, the suicides, ALL OF IT, when you reflect on your year. While you spent holidays with your families, though you ordered us not to. While you vacationed at your cottage, while banning us from ours. While you treated us like children, giving us rules, while you did the opposite. I truly hope when you sit down and reflect on your year, you ask yourself, did my decisions make sense? Could I have done better? And then, DO BETTER.

I am choosing to be grateful because I’ve managed to keep everything I’ve worked for, despite everything you have done to take it away. Because when you worked against us – the little guys – our friends, families, and communities worked WITH us. I am so grateful for all of it. My friends, my family, my community…my life.

YOU’VE CHANGED

I was browsing through Instagram the other day, just scrolling through, half-involved, when my friend Nolan’s story made me pause. It was a meme, of course, with a caterpillar telling a butterfly “You’ve changed”. The butterfly swiftly responds, “We’re suppose to”. It hit me right in the gut.

How many times have you been in an argument with a partner and they accuse you of having changed? Your automatic reaction is to respond defensively, as though they’ve insulted you. But the reality is that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do: you are evolving. And perhaps you are out-growing your surroundings.

A few years ago I went through a series of what I like to call “unfortunate events”. I remember hating myself, and thinking I just wanted to go back to being the NORMAL me. I wished away the anxiety I was starting to feel; I’d lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering how I came to be someone I couldn’t understand or relate to anymore. I just wanted to go back to who I was before. Unfortunately, that girl didn’t exist anymore. I was lost.

But it doesn’t only happen to ourselves. How often have we been in a relationship and suddenly realized we don’t recognize our partner anymore? How many times have we met up with an old friend, only to discover that we have grown apart?

That is life. We are products of our experiences. We are meant to grow apart, so that we can find the person we can grow WITH. We are meant to experience hardship, so it can shape us into a stronger version of ourselves. We are meant to experience joy, so that we can share it with others. And every time we experience something, we are meant to CHANGE. You are never going to be the person you were yesterday, and that is a good thing. It means you are learning. You are absorbing the lessons, and letting them mold you.

Sometimes you have to become worse, before you can become better; that’s the hard part. We get temporarily lost, before we finally feel found. But we are products of our own experiences – works in progress – and everything that happens to us, every decision we make, helps morph us into our final product. So when you finally break out of that cocoon of broken promises, broken hearts, and broken dreams, you get to fully spread your wings and conquer NEW dreams, find new loves, and mend broken hearts.

“You’ve changed.”

“Thank you.”

I LOVE ME MORE

How long do you stay in a situation that doesn’t feel healthy anymore? After one incident? Two? Ten? Recently I had to end a friendship that had been a part of my life for 20 years. It was a difficult decision, and I was torn, but I had been contemplating this friendship and whether it was a healthy one for over 2 years. There is no denying I loved her, and still do, but there are so many things that no longer line up in our lives. I treat people I love calmly and respectfully, and that isn’t always the case with her, and that really bothered me. Witnessing it in her other relationships made me question the trust I had for her. Hearing some of the ways she spoke of her other friends made me wonder if she did the same to me. I’ve been on the receiving end of some toxic behaviour once or twice but the stuff I witnessed in her life sometimes…geesh.

It’s only when that behaviour was applied towards me, though, that I didn’t feel safe in that environment anymore. We tend to overlook certain things when they’re being done to others, but can we at least acknowledge that we see it? When you tell someone that something bothered you, and all they can come back with are empty apologies, rants, and “let me know when you’re over it”, well, I mean…never I guess??

Toxic relationships aren’t always obvious. Sometimes it’s as simple as one person putting in all the effort, sometimes it’s having to listen to the same complaints and drama over and over again, through numerous phone calls and texts, and sometimes it’s more serious…like cat-fishing, under-mining feelings, or emotional abuse. Many times, it’s a combination of all of those things. But it’s up to you to decide what is too toxic for you. How long or how much are you willing to put up with? Will you walk away at the first sign of it, or will you mourn the relationship from the past, and hang on way too long?

I treasure every memory I have with her, I always will. But there are certain things that relationships can’t recover from. Certain things that can’t be undone, or unsaid. In any past relationship I’ve had, hanging onto the pre-toxic love or friendship has only caused more hurt and bad behaviour, and so I guess I’ve learned from experience.

No matter how much I treasured that friendship, and appreciate everything we’ve been through together, and all the life lessons we learned along the way…no matter how many birthdays, road-trips, inside jokes…respect is an on-going thing. Without limits or deadlines. Toxic behaviour breeds more toxic behaviour. Each time it happens, and is accepted, it sets the new precedent for the relationship, making it more acceptable the next time. And you should always respect yourself more than letting yourself become anyone’s doormat, or punching bag.

And so, we move on. From friendships and loves, we learn to move on. Sometimes it’s easy, other times it hurts. For me, in this situation, it was time. I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness over someone mistreating me. There are things you fix, and things you walk away from. So, no matter how much I love her, and a part of me always will, I will always, ALWAYS, love me more.

“Love is unconditional, relationships are not.”

FACING THE F-WORD

Remember when we were teens and 30 seemed old? Then we were 30, and it wasn’t so bad, cos at least we weren’t 40…but then we were 40 and apparently it’s MID-LIFE?!!! It’s true. Forty is mid-life and I’m shook. I tried to fight, but I’ve entered my 40s and there’s nothing I can do about it. But seriously, when did it become midlife??

I have never cared about aging as much as I have leading up to this milestone. My skin changing, my body changing, everything becoming unknown to me. Aging terrifies me. Sorry, let me re-phrase: looking older terrifies me. From the time we are little, girls are “taught” that appearance is important, and we grow up placing so much of our self-worth on how we look. A multi-billion dollar beauty industry, fashion magazines and both men AND women have focused so much on what a woman looks like, no wonder we are so hard on ourselves.

Turning 40 changes many things for a woman. You can’t help that. Our faces will show our happiest moments in the form of laugh lines, and our saddest grief in the form of frown lines. Our eyes will show our experience when we hear our children speak of their failures and fears. Our bodies will show the years of carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. Yup, it’s scary for a woman to face physical change. Feels like a cruel joke.

What is scarier, though, is the deeper examination of your life. Realizing you don’t have any more answers at 40 than you did at 30. Personally I have MORE QUESTIONS! Am I truly happy professionally? Should I take a chance on a new venture? Can I afford to fail at this point in my life, having a family that depends on me?? At 30, I wasn’t scared. I had youth, confidence, and no dependents. If I failed (which I never believed would happen), I could just do something else.

So why does this number send us into such a “crisis”? Perhaps because we are many things, to many people, and the struggle of getting through each day is EXHAUSTING. We, as women, mothers, professionals, significant others, and let me stress again, MOTHERS, are finding less and less time in the day to do what makes us happy as INDIVIDUALS. Having 2 kids myself, I am basically a chauffeur and spectator to extra-curricular activities 6 days a week. SIX. Now add their homework, my business, gym, chores, errands, baths, bedtimes, a few stolen moments of silence dedicated to feeling guilt or failure at any or all roles I must play (perhaps a little cry in there as well), and what does it really leave you with? Just enough time to realize that there isn’t enough time, or to feel inadequate.

Our perception of ourselves is terrible. We are never enough! We are never good enough mothers, can never keep up with the housework, stress about work decisions, feel like we aren’t making our partners happy…and in turn we make ourselves unhappy.

To make matters worse, we live in the most judgemental world, where even we, as women, tear each other down, criticize each other, hate on each other, and feed off one another’s misery. I refuse to be that woman. We need to do better.

Yes turning 40 is scary, especially through our own eyes. But have you tried seeing yourself through your children’s eyes? To my daughters, I am not just an aging face; I am the most loving mom, the person they run to for kisses on their bobos, who loves them more than anything or anyone in this world. To them, I’m not just an aging body; I am SUPER strong (“like Wonder Woman Mommy!!”) and SUPER SMART (“Mommy how do you know EVERYTHING?!”). And no matter what I look like in the mirror, they see me as the most beautiful person in the world. They’ve never judged me, like I judge myself, and they definitely don’t care if I’m a size 2 (even though I still do).

If only we could give ourselves a break, and see what they see, how much happier we would be.

Forty is only mid-life (and doesn’t have to be a crisis!!). There is still a whole other half of life to experience. None of us are perfect; we are all just a work in progress. If we could just focus on what we have, instead of what we are losing, maybe we could appreciate how aging is a luxury, and comparison (to a younger you, or others) will only rob you of any joy that your first 40 years have brought you.

Who Do You Want To Be

This morning I locked myself in the washroom and cried. And I criiied and I cried. We are 3 months into a pandemic, into uncertainty about our future, into forced lockdowns of our businesses and isolation from loved ones. Daily contradictory information has us not knowing what to believe.

Today I felt a vaguely familiar feeling deep down low in my tummy…anxiety. And so I cried.

I haven’t felt that feeling in over a year. Truthfully, I haven’t always had a battle with anxiety. There were a few months a couple of years ago where it was wreaking havoc on my life, but I managed to get my mind clear. But does anxiety ever disappear?

I am one of the strongest women I know. It’s true, I’m not just saying it. But sometimes, even the strongest falter, and need to make decisions as to who they want to be. I want to be a good mother, and so rather than bury my head in my pillow, I force myself to my feet. The past 2 days, that has been a struggle. Anxiety.

I want to be successful. And so I’m wrapping up my pity party immediately. It was during a Facetime call with my brother that it became clear as day that this year is only half done, and I need to decide WHO I WANT TO BE. “You’re strong,” he said to me, in the surprising instant when I lost myself and was crying with vulnerability. “Maybe not in this moment, but in most moments. You are a strong woman.”

“When all this started” he said, “I asked myself ‘Who do I want to be while this is happening? Do I want to be the one to pull everyone down, or lift everyone up?”

And now I’m asking myself that same question: who do I want to be? I don’t have the luxury of waiting another week to answer this. I have 2 little faces that rely on me every day, to help them get the most out of their OWN days. So I’m here: I am going to be the person that I need right now. The support system for the one that feels like they are falling apart. The shoulder, for the person who is locking themselves in the washroom to cry with privacy. The laughter, (yes I can be funny) for the person who’s had nothing but bad news lately.

I’m exhausted with the bad news. I’m exhausted with the uncertainty. I have (almost) come to terms with the fact that our leaders have no idea what they are doing, and that I can’t change their decisions. But I am done giving others so much power over my happiness, and what I am doing.

The world is a mess right now, and we are all victims of circumstance, but we have to gather any bit of strength that we can find in ourselves and reclaim our lives.

It’s time to take that moment, whether you’re crying in the washroom behind a locked door, or catching yourself laughing with joy, and ask yourself: while the world is in chaos around you, who do YOU want to be?