FAT GIRL, SKINNY BODY

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a toxic relationship with food; more unhealthy than any cheating boyfriend or back-stabbing bestie could ever be. I have body issues that have plagued me since I went on my first diet at 9 years old, and unless I’m 115 lbs, a size 0-2, and have had a whopping dose of vitamin D, I hate looking at myself in the mirror.

For as long as I can remember, people have also felt pretty comfortable commenting about my appearance, as though it’s the most important thing about me. I guess because I look a certain way, it’s ok to assume that I’m comfortable in my skin. They don’t realize I weigh myself 20 times a day. They don’t know I have a tape measure in my makeup bag to obsessively wrap around my thighs, my waist, and my hips. They think that it’s ok to tell me to “eat a cheeseburger or something” when I’m looking very thin, or that “you’ve put on a few pounds” when I have been slipping. They don’t know the torment I’ve had since I was a chubby little girl, with squeezable cheeks, that was developing anorexia when she wasn’t even a teenager yet.

I think about every single bite of food that enters my mouth. EVERY. SINGLE. BITE. Do you know what that’s like? I have literally counted every calorie I’ve ever eaten. But I have had to fight past the insensitive comments about how I’m “one of the lucky ones” after I lost all of my pregnancy weight. Twice. I gained over 90 lbs for EACH of my pregnancies as I abandoned any thoughts about my own body and focused on doing my best to bring two healthy babes into the world. I had to workout at all hours of the night while running a business and taking care of these 2 little ones, just to fit back into my clothes. I had to talk myself out of starving myself daily, and still do…because that’s what recovering anorexics do, for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t just go away. You don’t just get over it. You are never “healed”…you’re healing. I don’t feel like “one of the lucky ones”. And calling me that discounts the discipline it took to lose that weight, without falling into a dark place. But it’s ok, because I look a certain way.

My body doesn’t want to be skinny. It fights me every day. If I gave my body a break, and ate a healthy caloric intake , I would easily fall into a much larger frame. But for some reason, I have always wanted to wear whatever I want, more than I wanted to eat whatever I want. And so I fight my body. And so, people think, because I look a certain way, they can comment on my appearance. Because I’m lucky. I would go so long without eating that I would dream of how food felt while chewing through it. I would go to bed at night praying that I would just lose two more pounds. I could slip a size zero on and off without undoing the zipper, and all I could see in the mirror was a fat girl.

We hate that word – “fat”. But why is it acceptable to say “skinny” and so taboo to say FAT? Even as I write the word, I cringe. “skinny jeans” “skinny girl brand” “skinny drinks”, but we whisper the word “fat” like it’s a secret. And why is it so acceptable to make jokes about someone being too skinny, but insensitive to call someone fat? And why do we think that if someone is attractive, we can be as mean or forward as we choose when we talk about their appearance?

I’m exhausted. My body is tired of trying to please me, and try to make people happy enough to keep their comments about how they think I look best to themselves. “You look too skinny”, “I like you with some meat on your bones”, “You’re perfect at this size, don’t gain or lose a single pound”, “You could lose 5 lbs, but no more than that”, like seriously wtf? I think about every comment that has come out of the mouths of family, friends, and strangers, and wonder, for real, WTF? I’m TIRED. You shouldn’t have a vocal opinion about my body. It’s hard enough, as women, to deal with our own opinions of our bodies. It’s hard enough to love and accept what we see in the mirror without factoring in the careless comments of others. I write this as I sit in my bed, knowing that I’m getting out of it only to walk to the scale and see what the morning weight will be. And then I will walk to my makeup bag, get out my tape measure, and see how many almonds I can treat myself with today.

I guess I’m one of the lucky ones.

“I would go so long without eating that I would dream of what food felt like while chewing through it”

YOU’VE CHANGED

I was browsing through Instagram the other day, just scrolling through, half-involved, when my friend Nolan’s story made me pause. It was a meme, of course, with a caterpillar telling a butterfly “You’ve changed”. The butterfly swiftly responds, “We’re suppose to”. It hit me right in the gut.

How many times have you been in an argument with a partner and they accuse you of having changed? Your automatic reaction is to respond defensively, as though they’ve insulted you. But the reality is that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do: you are evolving. And perhaps you are out-growing your surroundings.

A few years ago I went through a series of what I like to call “unfortunate events”. I remember hating myself, and thinking I just wanted to go back to being the NORMAL me. I wished away the anxiety I was starting to feel; I’d lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering how I came to be someone I couldn’t understand or relate to anymore. I just wanted to go back to who I was before. Unfortunately, that girl didn’t exist anymore. I was lost.

But it doesn’t only happen to ourselves. How often have we been in a relationship and suddenly realized we don’t recognize our partner anymore? How many times have we met up with an old friend, only to discover that we have grown apart?

That is life. We are products of our experiences. We are meant to grow apart, so that we can find the person we can grow WITH. We are meant to experience hardship, so it can shape us into a stronger version of ourselves. We are meant to experience joy, so that we can share it with others. And every time we experience something, we are meant to CHANGE. You are never going to be the person you were yesterday, and that is a good thing. It means you are learning. You are absorbing the lessons, and letting them mold you.

Sometimes you have to become worse, before you can become better; that’s the hard part. We get temporarily lost, before we finally feel found. But we are products of our own experiences – works in progress – and everything that happens to us, every decision we make, helps morph us into our final product. So when you finally break out of that cocoon of broken promises, broken hearts, and broken dreams, you get to fully spread your wings and conquer NEW dreams, find new loves, and mend broken hearts.

“You’ve changed.”

“Thank you.”

I LOVE ME MORE

How long do you stay in a situation that doesn’t feel healthy anymore? After one incident? Two? Ten? Recently I had to end a friendship that had been a part of my life for 20 years. It was a difficult decision, and I was torn, but I had been contemplating this friendship and whether it was a healthy one for over 2 years. There is no denying I loved her, and still do, but there are so many things that no longer line up in our lives. I treat people I love calmly and respectfully, and that isn’t always the case with her, and that really bothered me. Witnessing it in her other relationships made me question the trust I had for her. Hearing some of the ways she spoke of her other friends made me wonder if she did the same to me. I’ve been on the receiving end of some toxic behaviour once or twice but the stuff I witnessed in her life sometimes…geesh.

It’s only when that behaviour was applied towards me, though, that I didn’t feel safe in that environment anymore. We tend to overlook certain things when they’re being done to others, but can we at least acknowledge that we see it? When you tell someone that something bothered you, and all they can come back with are empty apologies, rants, and “let me know when you’re over it”, well, I mean…never I guess??

Toxic relationships aren’t always obvious. Sometimes it’s as simple as one person putting in all the effort, sometimes it’s having to listen to the same complaints and drama over and over again, through numerous phone calls and texts, and sometimes it’s more serious…like cat-fishing, under-mining feelings, or emotional abuse. Many times, it’s a combination of all of those things. But it’s up to you to decide what is too toxic for you. How long or how much are you willing to put up with? Will you walk away at the first sign of it, or will you mourn the relationship from the past, and hang on way too long?

I treasure every memory I have with her, I always will. But there are certain things that relationships can’t recover from. Certain things that can’t be undone, or unsaid. In any past relationship I’ve had, hanging onto the pre-toxic love or friendship has only caused more hurt and bad behaviour, and so I guess I’ve learned from experience.

No matter how much I treasured that friendship, and appreciate everything we’ve been through together, and all the life lessons we learned along the way…no matter how many birthdays, road-trips, inside jokes…respect is an on-going thing. Without limits or deadlines. Toxic behaviour breeds more toxic behaviour. Each time it happens, and is accepted, it sets the new precedent for the relationship, making it more acceptable the next time. And you should always respect yourself more than letting yourself become anyone’s doormat, or punching bag.

And so, we move on. From friendships and loves, we learn to move on. Sometimes it’s easy, other times it hurts. For me, in this situation, it was time. I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness over someone mistreating me. There are things you fix, and things you walk away from. So, no matter how much I love her, and a part of me always will, I will always, ALWAYS, love me more.

“Love is unconditional, relationships are not.”