Who Do You Want To Be

This morning I locked myself in the washroom and cried.  And I criiied and I cried.  We are 3 months into a pandemic, into uncertainty about our future, into forced lockdowns of our businesses and isolation from loved ones.  Daily contradictory information has us not knowing what to believe.  

Today I felt a vaguely familiar feeling deep down low in my tummy…anxiety.  And so I cried.

I haven’t felt that feeling in over a year.  Truthfully, I haven’t always had a battle with anxiety.  There were a few months a couple of years ago where it was wreaking havoc on my life, but I managed to get my mind clear.  But does anxiety ever disappear?

I am one of the strongest women I know.  It’s true, I’m not just saying it.  But sometimes, even the strongest falter, and need to make decisions as to who they want to be.  I want to be a good mother, and so rather than bury my head in my pillow, I force myself to my feet.  The past 2 days, that has been a struggle.  Anxiety.

I want to be successful.  And so I’m wrapping up my pity party immediately. It was during a Facetime call with my brother that it became clear as day that this year is only half done, and I need to decide WHO I WANT TO BE.  “You’re strong,” he said to me, in the surprising instant when I lost myself and was crying with vulnerability. “Maybe not in this moment, but in most moments.  You are a strong woman.”

“When all this started” he said, “I asked myself ‘Who do I want to be while this is happening? Do I want to be the one to pull everyone down, or lift everyone up?” 

And now I’m asking myself that same question: who do I want to be?  I don’t have the luxury of waiting another week to answer this.  I have 2 little faces that rely on me every day, to help them get the most out of their OWN days.  So I’m here: I am going to be the person that I need right now.  The support system for the one that feels like they are falling apart.  The shoulder, for the person who is locking themselves in the washroom to cry with privacy.  The laughter, (yes I can be funny) for the person who’s had nothing but bad news lately. 

I’m exhausted with the bad news.  I’m exhausted with the uncertainty.  I have (almost) come to terms with the fact that our leaders have no idea what they are doing, and that I can’t change their decisions.  But I am done giving others so much power over my happiness, and what I am doing.

The world is a mess right now, and we are all victims of circumstance, but we have to gather any bit of strength that we can find in ourselves and reclaim our lives.

It’s time to take that moment, whether you’re crying in the washroom behind a locked door, or catching yourself laughing with joy, and ask yourself: while the world is in chaos around you, who do YOU want to be?