I LOVE ME MORE

How long do you stay in a situation that doesn’t feel healthy anymore?  After one incident? Two? Ten?  Recently I had to end a friendship that had been a part of my life for 20 years.  It was a difficult decision, and I was torn, but I had been contemplating this friendship and whether it was a healthy one for over 2 years.  There is no denying I loved her, and still do, but there are so many things that no longer line up in our lives.  I treat people I love calmly and respectfully, and that isn’t always the case with her, and that really bothered me.  Witnessing it in her other relationships made me question the trust I had for her.  Hearing some of the ways she spoke of her other friends made me wonder if she did the same to me.  I’ve been on the receiving end of some toxic behaviour once or twice but the stuff I witnessed in her life sometimes…geesh.   

It’s only when that behaviour was applied towards me, though, that I didn’t feel safe in that environment anymore.  We tend to overlook certain things when they’re being done to others, but can we at least acknowledge that we see it?  When you tell someone that something bothered you, and all they can come back with are empty apologies, rants, and “let me know when you’re over it”, well, I mean…never I guess??

Toxic relationships aren’t always obvious.  Sometimes it’s as simple as one person putting in all the effort, sometimes it’s having to listen to the same complaints and drama over and over again, through numerous phone calls and texts, and sometimes it’s more serious…like cat-fishing, under-mining feelings, or emotional abuse.  Many times, it’s a combination of all of those things.  But it’s up to you to decide what is too toxic for you.  How long or how much are you willing to put up with?  Will you walk away at the first sign of it, or will you mourn the relationship from the past, and hang on way too long?

I treasure every memory I have with her, I always will.  But there are certain things that relationships can’t recover from.  Certain things that can’t be undone, or unsaid.  In any past relationship I’ve had, hanging onto the pre-toxic love or friendship has only caused more hurt and bad behaviour, and so I guess I’ve learned from experience.

No matter how much I treasured that friendship, and appreciate everything we’ve been through together, and all the life lessons we learned along the way…no matter how many birthdays, road-trips, inside jokes…respect is an on-going thing.  Without limits or deadlines. Toxic behaviour breeds more toxic behaviour.  Each time it happens, and is accepted, it sets the new precedent for the relationship, making it more acceptable the next time.  And you should always respect yourself more than letting yourself become anyone’s doormat, or punching bag.

And so, we move on.  From friendships and loves, we learn to move on. Sometimes it’s easy, other times it hurts.  For me, in this situation, it was time.  I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness over  someone mistreating me.  There are things you fix, and things you walk away from.  So, no matter how much I love her, and a part of me always will, I will always, ALWAYS, love me more.

“Love is unconditional, relationships are not.”