BUT DID I DIE?

I’m sitting here, watching my kids Track & Field practice, wondering when the world became a place where your health and parenting decisions were being made by your government. Since the day I became a mother, I have always made it my top priority. I have been there for every event, I have wiped every tear, done the hours of homework, and loved my girls with my entire heart. I never thought I’d ever have to make the decision to either risk my health, possibly my life, or be a bad mom. But when our Canadian government made it mandatory to get the Covid vaccine, that is exactly what happened.

Months ago, when the vaccine was developed, there were several fatalities, many caused by blood clots. Not that it’s anyone’s business – except apparently every restaurant, arena and gym I like to frequent – but I have numerous blood issues, mostly effecting my red blood cells, and my heart is constantly trying to compensate for the oxygen deficiencies. It is starting to cause permanent heart damage. One of my medications happens to cause severe blood clots. And so, my doctor and I discussed the vaccine, and I was advised against it, as we didn’t want to risk any complications, especially a fatality.

Then, a few short months later, I was suddenly in a position where I couldn’t accompany my own children to their practices, or recitals, or even use my own gym pass. So, I made an appointment with my doctor to get my exemption, to be able to go on about my life, as a mother and as an individual.

That is the day I was forced to make a choice. I was informed that I could no longer get the exemption. She told me the only medical exemptions being honored were for those who had severe reactions to the FIRST vaccine. But wait…what???? The very doctor who had told me it could harm me, possibly KILL me, was now telling me that “as long as you make sure you get Pfizer, NOTHING ELSE, you should be ok.” Ummmm…WHAT? “I can’t tell you what to do, I can only give you information, as it is your body, and your choice.” Really? My doctor can’t tell me what to do with my body, but apparently, the Canadian government can.

So, as an owner of a small business, not only did I have to sacrifice my financial security for a year and a half to protect the health of strangers, putting my own family’s future in limbo, but now, I was expected to put my OWN health, and possibly my LIFE at risk, to protect those same STRANGERS??? Does this make sense to you?  Is this right?  Does this sound like a “small sacrifice” that you’re asking me, and countless others with legitimate health concerns, to make?

Every day leading up to this decision I would hear people complaining about “stupid anti-vaxxers” and how selfish they are and “why won’t they just get the vaccine already?!” and how the pro-vaxxers hope Anti-Vaxxers get Covid and aren’t allowed to get health care. Inside I would be screaming, wanting to say, maybe they are scared? I would be wondering how much is going to be taken away from me before it is enough? What was this pandemic ultimately going to cost me? Do I not have the right to say no to a vaccine because I’m terrified of it? Why are people assuming that everyone who isn’t getting COVID vaccinated doesn’t believe in science, or even vaccines for that matter? It was science that advised ME to stay away from the vaccine in the first place, but now science was telling ME “I should be ok”, but “I can’t tell you what to do, as it is your body, and your choice.”

As I watched all my freedoms start to disappear, and my children’s teary eyes when we would say they might not be able to play hockey, or soccer, or run track this winter…I might not be able to watch them in their recitals…I had to have some very real conversations with my family about what to do.  I was no longer able to be the mom I wanted to be, and even after having to put strangers before myself and my own children for 18 months, I had to put myself last once again. 

Although my kids knew about my health issues, and said they understood if they couldn’t do the things they love this year, they said it with tears running down their cheeks, and broken hearts.  I’ve sworn to myself to MEND their broken hearts, not to cause them.  I can’t even tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep trying to come to terms with it.

But I couldn’t.  So, against the requests of my (fully vaccinated) family, I gave in, and chose to take the Pfizer vaccine, since I “should be ok”.  The amount of anxiety I had leading up to that day is something a person should never feel.  Telling the doctor holding the needle that I’m terrified, while my mom sits next to me, wondering if her daughter is going to be ok, is a memory I wish I could forget.  Seeing the indifference in that person’s face as I could feel my entire insides shaking…I’ll never forgive the leaders of this country for putting me in that position.

In the middle of that night, my daughter came into my room and shook me.  I looked at her worried little face and asked her if she was ok, and she threw her arms around me with relief.  “I’m making sure you’re still alive Mommy.”

If ever you find yourself judging others for not making the decision you want them to make, or you think they SHOULD make, maybe just remind yourself that not everyone is experiencing this the same way you are. Would you be willing to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of dollars, possibly losing your business, in order to protect strangers?  Would you be willing to risk your life, leaving your own little children behind, to protect those same strangers? I’ve lost a lot during this pandemic; obviously financially, my mental and physical health, the security of being in control of my life and the person I want to be – the PARENT I want to be – but the biggest loss, by far, was the faith I used to have in humanity.

Did I die? Physically, no. But a piece of me definitely did. Congratulations to the arrogant “leaders” that run this country…you managed to loop everyone into two categories: those who are vaccinated, and therefore apparently CARE about others, and those who are selfish ANTI-vaxxers, who are greedily keeping this pandemic going, ultimately delaying life from returning to normal. You have managed to draw attention away from the disastrous mistakes you’ve made in mishandling this pandemic, by turning our country into a bunch of blind idiots, name-calling people who don’t see things the same way they do, not caring that maybe, just MAYBE, there is a deeper reason for the lack of trust.

I didn’t die. But what if I had? Well, I guess that is the sacrifice we are now all obligated to make…and perhaps as a little parting gift, I finally would’ve been granted a medical exemption.